rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
