My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Go christen that room with your naked body.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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