Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
