if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
