Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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