So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
