quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
