then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Small penises have feelings too.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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