I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
