we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
