Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
