Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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