He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
