so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
