I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
