I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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