u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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