if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
