I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
