I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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