I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
