Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Two words: nipple clamps
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