His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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