I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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