apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
