this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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