At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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