I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
