remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
