her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
