Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
