Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
