Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
