He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
