I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize