i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
