after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
