who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
