Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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