i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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