My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
