I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
