I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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