im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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