I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
