The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
