I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
