I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
