insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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