There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize