I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
