His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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