Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We need to rekindle our bromance
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
