Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
