I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize