genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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