I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
