i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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