Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
