sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
